People Do Not Like Change

I read that somewhere today. It replayed in the back of my mind throughout the day. People do not like change. It's funny that we like to say things like 'I want to change into a better person' but in fact, we're scared of change, we're too comfortable to change.

Makes me think... what is there in my life that I should change but I'm too scared to change? What is there that should be changed but I'm too comfortable to change?

Crossroads

In the past little while I've really been feeling like I'm at crossroads in many aspects of my life. In school, in what I would do this summer... God has really been challenging me to grow in faith and trust. While it would be nice to know the future and see how everything works out, there is a beauty to this uncertainty because it reminds me that I'm still in need of a Saviour. There's a verse that I've read many times and memorized but it has meant alot more to me lately...

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

It's comforting to know that God has a plan for us, and not only a plan but one that gives you hope and a future. One of the challenges to grow in my faith was my decision to go to China this summer. As some of you may know, I'll be going with an organization called English Language Institute/China (ELIC) that sends out Christian college students to teach English to Chinese high school students for five weeks. God really urged me to take that step of faith - to first seek for His will for my life and trust that He would provide all that I need.

"So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father know that you need them. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." matthew 6:31-33

This verse really affirmed and encouraged me to grow in my faith and go on this trip this summer. I'm really excited for the plans God has in store :) If you would like to know more about my trip or would like to support me, feel free to talk to me anytime or leave me a comment!

It has been nice to be back home! On tuesday and wednesday, me and my parents went on a little family trip to niagra falls. I really enjoyed it, maybe cuz I haven't been on a trip with my parents for a long time. On the way there I started reading a book called "The Myth of You & Me" by Leah Stewart. I continued to read it whenever we were driving, when we were at the hotel and I finished it before I went to bed :p I liked the book. It was about two childhood best friends who grew up and because of an incident stopped being friends. The story begins with one of them, who's now in their twenties, tracing back to their childhood in search of their childhood best friend. The story was very nostalgic and there was a hint of sadness and regret through out the entire story. Being an extremely nostalgic and sentimental person I am, it really made me think about my life, if there were any regrets and about my childhood best friends that have stuck with me until this day. Three of my closest friends came to my mind, and I guess my one regret would be not having acknowledged them enough for how important they were in my childhood and now, how they've influenced me to become who I am, and how much they mean to me.

Amanda - I thought of you first, because when I think of my childhood you're in so many of my memories. I saw you almost everyday from grade two until grade eight :p Growing up together, learning things together, playing imaginary games together... though we go to different schools and are pursuing different things in life now, everytime I do see you I still feel the same around you. I'm glad about that because true friends stand the test of time :)

Michelle - I still remember when I sat beside you in grade one! We certainly did alot of growing up together, and our friendship has gone through many ups and downs to become what it is now. I'm so glad to have found a friend who understands me and in some ways so similar to me that we can be stupid together :p You have been such an encouragment to me, watching you mature and grow in your walk with God.

Hannah - miss iluvcdguy :p I don't know how to describe you. I've never met someone before that thought so similarly to me! and I know that was what brought us to be best friends :) I'll continue to finish your sentences for you, and we'll be silly grandmothers one day reminiscing about our 'youthful' days... wait a minute... we already do that quite often :p Thanks hannah, for always believing in me :)

It has certainly been a long time since I last posted... two whole terms and a bit more. Partly it was because I was busy and also partly because I was going through a, I guess I would call an 're-evaluation' period of my life. It started with a conflict that happened during the summer between me and a very dear friend of mine and it hurt me alot deeper then I even realized (we're good now, no worries =] ). During the summer was also a transition time into a new relationship and for the first time I felt so exposed to people's opinion (even though I know many had really good intentions). Inevitably, when you start a relationship, your friendships with certain other people change. Not that you have really changed, but people may see you differently and drift away from you. That really made me question who were my friends and what is the definition of a friend? I felt the need to keep people at a further distance from me and to just observe.

In the summer was also the time when I had to study for the OAT and there many uncertainties about the future. All these factors came together and made me really reflect on where my IDENTITY was found. If all my family and friends left me, who would I be? If I lost all my knowledge, my education, my talents - who would I be? It is clear that your identity cannot be found in people, friends or family, because people can come and go. Neither can it be based on your education, your knowledge, or your skills. The only place that my identity could be found is in our never changing God.

Yesturday I was talking to my friend and he told me to read the cover of this cd (mercyme) and when I read it, it really spoke what was on my heart in this past while. One of the band members wrote about how we can not live up to the expectations to the people around us, but God does not require us to live up to certain expectations. He just wants us to live a life that reflects His love, His grace, and His righteousness. That is certainly what I long for. There is no way I can ever live up to people's expectations of what career I pursue, what marks I get, who my friends are, who I date, how I present myself... but the best thing is that I don't have to.

Something About You
Where, where do I begin
How do I say what's on my heart with paper and a pen
How, how can I describe...
The God of all the universe and make it rhyme
I just wonder if it's worth
Painting You with so few words
Oh, with so few words

Still there's something about You
That keeps me in pursuit of who You are
I will spend my days, finding ways to praise
The glory and the grace of who You are

Why, why do I even try
If I could speak the tongue of every man I'm still tongue-tied
What can I say about You
When everything I have won't do
Oh, it will not do
That keeps me in pursuit of who You are
I will spend my days, finding ways to praise
The glory and the grace of who You are

As long as life runs through my veins
I will live to praise Your name
And if a hundred years I live
I won't even scrtch, I won't even scratch the surface
That keeps me in pursuit of who You are
I will spend my days, finding ways to priase
The glory and the grace of who You are
Coming Up to Breath - Mercyme

There's something about track number 4 on cds... ends up usually being my favorite song...
and a thanks to a very dear older brother for the cd :)

wow. this is unreal. i'm done my exams.

it's definetly been awhile since i blogged... this term has been quite tiring i must say. from calculus to having two exams back to back on the last day of exams... it's been a rough term. but now when i look back i'm just filled with gratefulness for all the people that have been so willing to help when i'm struggling be that in school, or other parts of my life... for being able to grow with friends i can call my brothers and sisters... for the conversations that goes beyond the surface... for friends that have been feeding me and taking care of me over exams :p

after my last exam, i felt so heavy hearted. i was so busy studying before, but after my last exam i realized so many people were gone already. and i never really got a chance to spend time with them and say a proper goodbye. well, i guess there's no need to say 'goodbye' because i really do want to make the effort to keep up with people. i always felt like nothings gonna change cuz i'll be back in the summer anyways but it didn't hit me that not everyone's here. (haha... i know, the world revolves around me!)

today going back to rhccc i felt really distant... maybe because not everyone's back yet.. but to those i saw... i felt somewhat like a stranger to them. i know them. i know their personalities, their tempers, where they live... but beyond that... it makes me wonder how it's gonna be like when school is over for good, and i come back home. mmm... i don't want to think abt it :p

so... on a lighter note, i'm very excited for this summer. This summer i'll be in waterloo doing research for a professor... details to wat i'm supposed to do? no idea :p i'm quite excited cuz being in waterloo over the summer means i can do so much stuff that i've wanted to do over the school year but hvn't had time to... i can help out in ccf more, i can do volunteering, i can study for the OAT (the optometry test)... well, studying for the OAT isn't that exciting but i will try at least.

now that exams are over... the anticipation is gone... and i don't really know wat to do. it's like i need to learn how to relax again :p... gahhh... my parents are playing very old music rite now... ahhhh... it's making me feel so old! and it's raining outside... this is so sad. lol.. not my parent's listening to the music.. but it's making me feel so sad. okay.. can't stand this anymore... signing off!

oh, i'll be here til april 30... so plan me up, kiddos!

Your love on the cross,
The price that it cost,
What else could I do,
But to bow to you?

In awe of Your grace,
In awe of Your love,
I will seek for Your face
and give You all my Praise.

For I have been found in Your embrace,
Your love so amazing, no words could explain.
My prayer, and my cry is to love You more.
My Lord, here is my all.

The light to my path,
Who carries me through.
Who stands by my side,
And says, "I love you"

Your nail pierced hands,
Your nail pierced feet,
Speaks of Your love,
For all etenity.

- Ames

In a thoughtful mood

A Flame Being Fizzled
So, I was thinking yesturday what has happened during this term? It seems that stress and tiredness has plagued this term... remembering back to the beginning of the term, I told myself: I will not let calculus ruin my term. Yet, that was exactly what that course had been doing... haha, or maybe I just blame everything bad on it :P. Thinking about it, i realized i had fallen into the trap... the trap of being too busy to spend time with God. The trap of discouragments so you ask for less, instead of more. Like water sprinkling over a flame... fizzling it.

Duck Tales
On the way to class everyday I pass by this little creek by some townhouses. I've just come to really enjoy passing that area because of how scenic it is. Well, some days after it rains the water in the creek doesn't look that pleasant, but on other days it's so beautiful that I just stop and watch. The most entertaining part is the ducks... which are there even now, though not regualarly. The other day I saw a duck sitting on the half frozen ice sleeping... When it was warmer sometimes there will be duck couples floating along. And one time, there was a duck fight which was pretty funny. Sometimes when I come home from night labs I'll hear the evil duck cackle. The most beautiful scene is after snow falls, how the snow sits on top of the branches... the ice formed on top of the water, and seeing water flow in areas that hadn't frozen yet. Oh, just how beautiful and perfect God made everything!

Experimental Errors
haha... so to add onto the randomness of this blog...
I don't know why, but it seems that none of the labs this term has been going quite right!
For example:
- the set up of equipment in our biochem lab is always really weird. For some reason we're always straining to read numbers on pH meters, or struggling to pour substances into beakers. And I look around and everyone else's equipment setup is perfectly fine... lol
- we have a squirt bottle that doesn't squirt just from the mouth but also from the holes on the sides! Great, we can wash our lab coats.
- according to the stethoscope (what doctors use to hear the heartbeat), we're all dead because none of use have a heart beat. ugh, cheap equipment.
- lack of agreement between the TAs and the lab coordinator = chaos. Coordinator tells us we're behind, you need to put your test tubes into the water bath now. TAs come along and ask why you have only some in the water bath and some not - you should put them all in at the same time. Either way--> loss of subjective marks... Why can't they discuss things and agree?!

There's definetly more than that... just can't think of anymore right now, lol.

amy, let it go

I feel so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained right now. That calc midterm last night really took it all out of me... ugh! I will try to stop thinking about it... amy, just let it go... open up you fist and let it go... I haven't even recovered from the blow last night but I have to move on to study for my next midterm... I need time to do some damage control. Funny how marks, these two digit numbers (or three if you're really smart and hopefully not one, lol) can be such a big deal... just numbers. Sigh, to add on to my night of damped spirit I lost my favorite ring that miss chiu got me... well, i'm happy that someone found it at the end... but it got stepped on so now flat and broken =( ... well, i guess i could make it into a pendant or something... ok, enough sulking. I must say I'm very thankful for friends who really care, for shoulders to cry on, and arms that embrace me... it means alot to me, thanks for carrying a crippled spirit last nite.

daisy give yourself away
look up at the rain, the beautiful display of power and surrender
giving us today when she gives herself away
she comes down easy on rich and debt the same when
she gives herself away

let it go, daisy let it go
open up your fist this fallen world
doesn't hold your interest, it doesn't hold your soul
daisy let it go

pain, give yourself a name, call yourself contrition, avarice or shame
giving isn't easy, neither is the rain and she gives herself away
daisy why another day, why another sunrise, who will take the blame
for all redemptive motive and every rainy day
He gives himself away
let it go, daisy let it go
let it go...

oh switchfoot, how your words never fail to amaze me

Second week back and i'm already quite busy, thanks to calculus which i'm so lost in. lol, however, i am hopeful that it'll get better. It's a slow process learning to enjoy school and keeping my priorities straight.

Something that has been bothering me is that i've noticed as we grow older we put less and less efforts into giving each other gifts. So many times for birthdays and christmas the 'gift' was treating people for dinner, a drink, or go to the mall and pick out something you want. I really enjoy that too and personally i give people 'gifts' like that too =P... but at the same time i really do miss the pleasent surprise of recieving a neatly wrapped gift and wondering wat's inside... oh the anticipation! haha... Another thing that bothers me is when people say 'oh sorry, i forgot your present at home'. of course they never actually end up remembering and you're left to forever wonder what it was. So there's a few possibilities of why you don't end up recieving it: one, is that they never really got you anything but was too embarassed to say so. two, you were so important in their lives that they really forgot to give you your present (pardon my sarcasm, lol) and three, (this one really hurts) they got you a present but for some 'reason' decides against giving it to you (perhaps deciding they want it for themselves!). haha... And then, (we all at some point have done this, let's admit it) the giving of completely useless items that will fall forever into the gift recycle. This case happens mostly during christmas, you open the gift with great anticipation and expectation only to find something you wonder if they just took out from their basement... this is fine when it's from an aquaintance but it does hurt when friends do that to you... of course we'll give them the benenfit of the doubt that they didn't recycle another gift and did, in fact, really think that you'll like it.

I have been recently battling again the common misconceptions that i have grown up accustomed to... well, actually since i turned 19. Before my 19th birthday i had never felt 'old' before, and then it hit me right after my 19th bday that next yr i'll be turning the 'big' 2-0!! But when i thought abt it turning 20 is actually not old at all... at least i really don't feel that much different from when i came out of high school... i still feel like the same ackward teenager i was in high school. I think there's this misconception (at least for kids) that when you go off to university and you turn a certain age you are, voila, an adult! When i was a kid i thought university was so so so so far away... so far that i'll never really reach it. And i thought when people reached a certain age they'll be so independent... haha, of course in gr.2 i also thought that kids in gr.6 were so much older and smarter than me. Now as a sit here in the middle of my second year i realize that we're not old at all... i'm still so dependent on my parents. This is THE time of my life where i will be open to so many doors of opportunities and be able to learn the most, both in books and in life. Learning to treasure every moment.